Warning: This is a long whinning entry. Pls kindly move to the next blog if you cannot bear with it.

I have 2 mothers.

1 mother is my biological mother who brought me to this world called earth. I am breathing right now because of her strength enduring 4 days, 4 nights in labour pain delivering me 2* years ago after being in her womb for more than the time I should be there. After I was born, only 2 weeks she could touched n cared for her baby (me) n soon after my nenek kind of "usir" her (Mak) from being by my side. For only 2 weeks that I could feel my mother's smell, for only 2 weeks I fed on her milk. If only I could remember that precious moment yet a tearfull moment for her (my mother).

Being away from me, just shortly after giving birth to me, my nenek (Mak Tua) restrained Mak from touching me, even to get near to me. Mak hampir² meroyan. Reason? "Nanti susah anak kau nak lepas kauuu..!" That was the concrite reason Mak Tua gave Mak at that time for then I, was promised to be the given daughter to my very own mak saudara which is the adik of Mak, who didn't/never had any children. So my mother left me to be taken care of Mak Tua while waiting for my mak sedara to take me as her official daughter by law shortly after I was born.

Went my mother off with her husband (Ayah) back to home in Negeri Sembilan. Both unwillingly but promise is a promise. Moreover it was a promise among relatives. Kerbau dipegang pada tali, manusia dipegang pada janji, bukan? Kelahiran aku made my mother broke her heart into pieces after realized that I was not going to be raised by her very own hand. Ayah? He was not willing to give his children to anyone in the first place. But Mak insisted. "Kesianla dekat adik, dia takde anak." Ayah then diam and Mak assumed that Ayah setuju and failed to see the unwillingness in Ayah's eyes.

Since that, Mak Tua took over the task of a mother to me till I was 5 or 6. Being the only baby girl among Mak Tua's children (my uncles and aunties), I was their favourite niece. Brought to tengok "wayang gambar" by them at the tender age 3 or 4 (I actually remember this), watching filem Tamil. Being taught to hafal lagu² rock-band Search and ABBA (ada 1 lg group yg famous, tp aku tak ingat nama group tu - MODERN TALKING, dah ingat!). Aku ingat sgt hal ni sbb aku ingat aku ckp yg aku nak KAWEN dgn Amy Search. Masa tu bg aku diala lelaki yg paling handsome prnh aku tgk. Kecik² dah berangan kawen aku ni. (Sabar jelah!). It was actually really² fascinating for a 5 year old kid. Life was colourful, love was in the air but, did I ever knew Mak at that time? No! I never knew Mak. They (Mak Tua, Aunts n Uncles) never told me about Mak an the fact that I actually have 6 other sibling at the other side of the world.

The only thing I remembered was, there was one time, 2 skinny people visited us in kampung and I was so scared of them because they wanted to hug and kissed me. I ran, ran to my (oh I forgot). But I remembered how I turned my face to the side when they wanted to take pictures of us together. Peliknya, sapa org² ni? Dahla datang rumah org, nak snap² photo pulak. Gambar tu msh ada dlm simpanan aku skrg ni. Boy, how I really turned my head sideway because I never knew who actually them both are... Biasala budak kecik.

1 other mother I have is Mama. Mak's adik who never had children. Having me as a daughter was a gift from heaven. After 10 yrs of trying to get their (Mama n Abah) own baby/child and eventually they were the most happy couple in the world when been told that Mak was willing to give her next baby (me) to them to fill-in the blank spot in their little family institution.

At the age 7, I was brought here (to my current place-to-stay) to be raised by Mama and Abah. Abah quited the army, get started on a new job, Mama started practised her nursing at the nearby hospital and I started to go to school, in a new surrounding, in a new language. Again, very² fascinating to a 7 yrs old child when finding other people talking in a whole lot of different language compare to oneself. But I was a fast learner. I was a bright child, thanx to the early lectures from my Aunts n Uncles back in kampung. In primary school, being different (in language and brightness) I was the center of attention. Weird, but fascinating enough for a 9 yr old girl who only answering teacher's questions the way she feels like to.

Mama... Masa aku kecil mmg seorang yg garang. Prnh kunci aku dlm toilet, pernah rotan aku sampai berbirat, pernah/sanggup angkat TV bawak masuk dlm bilik dia semata² tak mao bg aku tgk TV tu. Disclaimer: TV antik Toshiba, berat mungkin 10-15 kg. Larat dia angkat TV tu waktu tu ya? I was angry, very² angry. I was questioning: Why can't I watch TV? My grade was excellent in school. Never failed climbing-up the stairs to the stage, taking prizes and piala(s) each n every end of school years. "But still Mama, why can't I watch TV?" For a 11-12 yr old girl, the answer was just cannot be excepted. Jawapannya akan aku fahami hanya bila aku menjerit kesakitan dirotan atau dipukul dgn hanger baju lepas dimarah sbb degil nk tgk TV jugak...

Moved a step further, I got a chance to study in 1 of the best boarding school in Malaysia. Semangat memberontak aku berkurang. Sebab aku have to stay (or lived) in the school hostel for 5 straight years. Being away was just what I needed. At this time, I was beginning to know who I actually was, who was my real parents were and where they lived all these years. But, I never really "knew" them. I never knew my siblings and I never knew I had a younger sister that looked just like me. And also... I was beginning to know why was I couldn't watch TV without kena rotan before... Because? For it's not me to answer...

I didn't blame anyone for I just knew my real family only in the past few years. I did't know who to blame actually. For now I know I have another family in the other side of the world that I never knew, I am happy. I am happy to have someone to go to if I was hurt here. I have someone there to listen to me when I was crying here. Masa kecik² dulu kalo aku kena marah, kalo aku kena rotan, kalau aku kena kurung dalam bilik air gelap sampai malam, masa tu aku hanya mampu menangis. Menangislah aku, meraunglah aku dlm bilik air for hours sampai tertidur, takde sapa nak dengar. Aku nak mengadu kat sapa? Mengadu to my real parents n siblings that I never heard of? Mana la aku kenal depa masa tu. All I could do was crying...

Now, after almost 2* yrs old, tonight, I am still crying for the same reason I cried in the locked toilet 15 yrs ago. I was hurt again and again like I was a child 15 years ago. For only the pain now is deeper than before because now I have feeling, I have things caught up in my heart so long it will burst like a ticking bomb. But now, I know I have someone to have her shoulder to cry on. I know I always have her to listen to me. Whenever I'm hurted, whenever I'm in pain. I have Mak. And Mak listens to me. Mak tapped my shoulder. Mak caressed my head. Even from afar, I can really feel her love for me. Love for a daughter that she never lays her hand on.

And Mak... The most beautiful fact is now, I really know you ARE my Mother that I never heard of when I was little for a reason I've yet to discover. I now know you love me as much as you love kakak², abang and adik. And now I know I am your daughter and I know I am loved...

...when you layed my head on your shoulder to cry on... For the reason I shouldn't be crying on and it was not even my fault at the 1st place...

Thanx Mak, for giving me the warm feeling of being loved and gave me the chance to know the love of a REAL MOTHER really is...

How I wish you were here now...